I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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