just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i jhust puked up my retainher.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
