i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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