I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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