I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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