So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
