my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
