please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
