I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize