I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
