i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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