I met the friendliest cop last night
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
