What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
