Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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