I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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