Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
