omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
