Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
