I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
