she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
