see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
