You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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