She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
