you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
