My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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