i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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