Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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