watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
