i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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