I wannas sexs uuuuu
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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