At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
