Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
