The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize