so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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