Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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