It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
