he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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