happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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