There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
