Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
