Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
