i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
