i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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