Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
