Betty ford says i'm here all night
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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