Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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