You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
