life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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