grandma shit on top of the toilet
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
