Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
