wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
