My sheets look like a crime scene.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
