so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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