Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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