I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize