In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
