he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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