HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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