At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize