I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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