Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
