I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
