i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
