ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I wish you could order shots online.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
